


Criminal Minds Units

by Mischief11



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Gen, Human Trafficking maybe?, Pure Crack, human units, my mind is fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2014-12-12
Packaged: 2017-12-08 06:53:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischief11/pseuds/Mischief11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can't get Spencer to stop rambling? Garcia has run up your light bill? Rossi keeps bringing home strange women? Read the manual for the help you desperately need!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spencer Reid: Guide and Owner's Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the owner of a fully automated Spencer unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your professional profiler, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

_Basic Information:_

_Name:_ Spencer Reid

_Date Of Manufacture:_ Year of 1986

_Place Of Manufacture:_ C &M, Las Vegas

_Height:_ Around 6'1"

_Weight:_ Unknown

_Your Spencer unit will come with the following accessories:_

Two casual outfits

FBI badge

Shoulder Bag

Mountains of books

Two pairs of shoes

When you first open your Spencer unit, he may be shy and awkward. Show him your home and let him get familiar with everything.

_Programming:_

Your Spencer unit is kind and socially inept, and can carry out the following functions:

_Tutor:_ No matter if it's math or psychology your Spencer unit will be the excellent tutor for those extra hard classes.

_Profiler:_ As his normal occupation is working as a FBI profiler s, Spencer is fully capable to figure out who that mystery stalker is or who stole your car from the parking lot.

_Date:_ He's pretty adorable, so if you can convince him, you may be able to cause jealousy in the hearts of your co-workers by taking him to an office party.

_Walking wiki:_ Whether he was talking about the number of deaths by elevator crashes or number of potatoes eaten a year, your Spencer will always have information on what ever topic you bring up.

Your Spencer unit comes with six different modes:

_Shy_

_Genius_

_Friendly_

_Profiler_

_Annoyed_

_Addicted_

The default _Genius mode_ is different from the profiler mode, no matter how similar they may seem. In the genius mode, the Spencer will read mountains of books, have deep conversations with you, and sprout information.

The _friendly mode_ is activated whenever the Spencer gets familiar with or trusts someone. He will talk more, and want to share information and watch Star Trek with you. Be nice to Spencer and you will have a lot of happy trekkie days.

_Shy mode_ is activated when the Spencer unit is introduced to a new group of people.

The _annoyed mode_ is activated when Morgan, JJ, and Prentiss treat the Spencer unit like a kid or when he is teased because of his habits. Give him a candy bar and a new book and he shall be fine.

The _addicted mode_ is only activated if the Spencer unit is kidnapped by the limited edition Tobias Hankel unit. Call the C &M or get some BAU units they will help you fix the problem.

_Cleaning:_ The Spencer unit is fully capable of cleaning himself. He will also keep the house clean for you.

_Warning:_ Reid is clumsy and prone to injuries so always keep a First-Aid kit at hand

_Reaction to other units:_

_Aaron Hotchner:_ This unit is a friend/mentor to the Spencer Unit. The Hotchner Unit often has to stop him from ranting but they get on fine.

_Derek Morgan:_ This unit is a close friend, but may annoy Spencer when he treats him like a kid and taunts him after he fails his shooting test. 

_Jason Gideon:_ This unit is a strong father figure to the Spencer unit and will support him in many things.

_Elle Greenaway:_ This unit are friends.

_David Rossi:_ This unit is a friend, and is looked up to by the Spencer unit. He may be occasionally annoyed by Reid but not often.

_Emily Prentiss:_ These units are friends but the Prentiss unit sometimes teases the Spencer unit but there is no harm between them.

_JJ:_ This unit is good friends with your unit. He will grow a crush on JJ but he'll get over it.

_Penelope Garcia:_ She is one of the Spencer unit's best friends. No harm in leaving them together.

_Frequently Asked Questions_

Q: My Spencer unit is drawing hearts and watching Lifetime instead of the Discovery. What is wrong with him?

A: He must have a crush on a JJ unit. He won't do anything about it until you get a Gideon who will encourage him to ask her out. He will and everything should go back to normal.

Q: My unit just disappeared for two day and now he hardly eat, starting to burrow money, come back acting weird. I find weird bottles in his room and other units keep watching him. Help.

A: He must have been kidnapped by a limited edition Tobias Hankel. Call C&M to take care of the problem or let the units step in. The problem would eventually be taken care off and he will join a help group. Just be patient and supportive.

Q: Spencer is extremely sad and won't stop reading this letter he keeps with him. What is wrong and how can I help him?

A: A Gideon unit must have left. Get a Morgan or a Hotchner unit who will help him out. Things will get better but buy a lot of ice cream.

Q: I came home from work today to find my Spencer and Garcia units wearing a weird space clothes and calling each other Mr. Spencer and Mr. Penelope. What's going on?

A: Star Trek convention. You can either join in the fun or go hide in the closet.

Q: Spencer is caring around a crying baby. Where the hell did he get a BABY?

A: A JJ unit must have had a Henry. He probably just have him for the weekend since he is the godfather. Do you know anything?

Q: Spencer is spending a lot of time with my new Rossi unit, but he is acting all weird. Why is he ignoring his new books I bought him?

A: A Gideon must have left and the Rossi is standing in for him. Spencer units look up to Rossi units. Did you watch the series?

_Warranty:_ With proper care, the Spencer unit will grow old and eventually die, unless a unsub or accident kills him. However, if you get annoyed with the sweet doctor, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).


	2. Aaron Hotch Hotchner: Guide and Owner's Manual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wondering who is the blonde he brought home? Want to know why he is always glaring at people in masks on Halloween? Read the manual and find out.

_Congratulations!_

You are now the owner of a fully automated Hotch unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your professional profiler, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

_Basic Information:_

_Name:_ Aaron Hotchner

_Date Of Manufacture:_ Year of 1962 (trust me)

_Place Of Manufacture:_ C &M, Virginia

_Height:_ Around 6'2"

_Weight:_ Unknown

Your Hotch unit will come with the following accessories: __

_Two suits_

_Two casual outfits_

_Two pairs of shoes_

_2 loaded guns_

_FBI badge_

_Black Shades_

When you first open your Hotch unit, he may be quiet and stiff. Show him your place and he shall lighten up. A bit.

_Cleaning:_ The Hotch unit is fully capable of cleaning himself and will keep the house semi-clean for you.

_Programming:_

Your Hotch unit is stern and protective, and can carry out the following functions:

_Bodyguard:_ From the perverted co-worker to the pick pocketing male jogger in hot shorts your unit will protect you from any who want to cause you harm.

_Profiler:_ As his normal occupation is working as a FBI profiler, Hotch is able to identify who is sending you love notes to who is stealing your mail.

_Date:_ He's tall, dark and handsome. If you talk him into it, you will be the spotlight of the party with this fine gentleman on your arm.

_Mentor:_ Hotch is a great motivator and a good person to look to. His past gives him an insight to the dark side and he doesn't judge, making him a good person to talk to.

_Your Hotch unit comes with six different modes:_

_Protector_

_Laid back_

_Profiler_

_Annoyed_

_Family Man_

_Enraged_

The default _protector mode_ is activated when other units, his friends or family members are hurt, scared and endanger. This mode can be activated anytime and anywhere.

The _laid back mode_ is activated whenever Hotch is with other units in a friendly setting like a restaurant, bar or outing. He will laugh, crack jokes and smile more.

_Family Man_ is activated when Hotch is around family or those he perceives as family. He will watch movies, read books, joke around, nap, visit the park and enjoy peaceful company.

The _annoyed mode_ is activated when Morgan, Spencer, Garcia and Prentiss units put them selves in danger, fooling around, looses focus or become out of control.

The _profiler mode_ is activated when Hotch is on a case or trying to solve a mystery when one is in danger.

The Hotch unit is _enraged_ when faced with a George Foyet unit. Leaving them alone can result in a injured unit for either parties.

_Reaction to other units:_

_Spencer Reid:_ This unit is a friend to the Hotch Unit and looks up to him. The Spencer Unit often rants causing him to stop him but they get on fine.

_Derek Morgan:_ This unit is a good friend, but he will occasionally annoy Hotch with his one-man-alone complex but everything is straightened out in time.

_Jason Gideon:_ This unit is a figure Hotch units look up to and is Gideon second hand man.

_Elle Greenaway:_ These units are friends but things get tense after Elle gets shot by the Fisher King and kills a unsub. Don't leave them in a room alone for to long.

_David Rossi:_ This unit is a friend, and is admired by the Hotch unit. Rossi may occasionally annoy him but they'll get over it and they work well together.

_Emily Prentiss:_ These units are friends but the Prentiss unit sometimes profiles the Hotch unit but there is no harm between them.

_JJ:_ This unit is good friends with your unit. He will grow to lightly depend on JJ but everything will be all right.

_Penelope Garcia:_ She is one of the Hotch unit's friends and he depends on her optimism to get him through the job. No harm in leaving them together.

_Haley Hotchner:_ This unit is the Hotch unit's ex-wife. Things are pretty tense so don't leave them together for long.

_Jack Hotchner:_ Jack is the Hotch units main concern. He loves the little unit and would do anything to protect them. There is no harm leaving them alone.

_Frequently Asked Questions:_

Q: My Hotch unit is more tense then and keeping signing every five minutes. What is his problem?

A: He must have had a fight with a Haley unit somewhere. Give him lots of ice cream, space and a few shots of whiskey. Also be in a good mode to listen.

Q: My unit just disappeared for five days and now he is bloody, bandaged, and bound to bed and neither of us are happy about it. What injured him so bad?

A: He must have been attacked by a limited edition Reaper. Keep him in bed, well fed and as stress free as possible (if that's possible). He shall recover in a few weeks so just be patient and supportive.

Q: Hotch is slighty upset and have been hanging around this older unit who carries this black book. Who is he?

A: A Gideon unit must have left and been replaced with a Rossi unit. All of you will go thru some rough patches but it will be all right.

Q: I got a Haley and Jack units for my birthday and I really love the little unit. The Haley is very annoying and I want to get rid her but Hotch won't let me. How do I get rid of her but keep Hotch from hating me?

A: When Hotch is at work you can lure Haley into a box and send her back. Or you can rent a George Foyet unit when she is home alone; just don't let Hotch find out.

Q: Hotch got me carting around his kid. Where did he get a kid? And how do I get stuck babysitting Jack when he is working?

A: A Haley unit must have died. You have to keep the kid cause Hotch won't let you send him back. Why would you get rid of Jack anyway? If you are angry make him pay you for the days you babysat.

_Warranty:_ With proper care, the Hotch unit will grow old and eventually die, unless a unsub or accident kills him. However, if you get annoyed with the dark protector, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).


	3. Derek Morgan: Guide and Owner's Manual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Want to know why hes surrounded by women? Why he hates going to church? Read this manual and find out!

_Congratulations!_

You are now the owner of a fully automated Derek unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your professional profiler, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

_Basic Information:_

Name: Derek Morgan

_Date Of Manufacture:_ Year of 1970

_Place Of Manufacture:_ C &M, Chicago

_Height:_ Around 6'2"

_Weight:_ Unknown

Your Derek unit will come with the following accessories:

_Two casual outfit_

_Loaded Gun_

_FBI badgefits_

_Two pairs of shoes_

When you first open your Derek unit, he may be quiet and watchful. Show him your place and he shall loosen up.

_Cleaning:_ The Derek unit is fully capable of cleaning himself.

_Programming:_

Your Derek unit is fun and protective, and can carry out the following functions:

_Bodyguard:_ From the angry ex to the drug addicted stepfather your unit will step in and keep you from harm.

_Profiler:_ As his normal occupation is working as a FBI profiler Derek is able to identify who is stealing roses from your garden to who is eating the pies you leave in the window to cool.

_Date:_ He's tall, chocolate and handsome. If you want to, you will earn the hate of every woman with Mr. Sexy as your date.

_Care Bear:_ Derek is a great friend and a good person to talk to. His past gives him knowledge of the dark side and he won't judge you.

Your Derek unit comes with five different modes:

_Party Animal_

_Profiler_

_Friendly_

_Annoyed_

_Protector_

The _friendly mode_ is activated whenever Derek is with other units in a restaurant, bar or outing. He will laugh, crack jokes, smile and tease Spencer units.

_Party Animal_ is activated when Derek is in a bar surrounded by sexy females. He will drink a lot, dance a lot, be romantic and might come home late.

The _annoyed mode_ is activated when Spencer units ramble, a guy bothers Garcia units, runs into Chicago police, or someone bosses him around other than Hotch, Gideon and Rossi.

The _profiler mode_ is activated when Derek is on a case or trying to solve a mystery when one is in danger.

The _default protector mode_ is activated when other units, his friends or family members are hurt, scared and endanger. This mode can be activated anytime and anywhere.

_Reaction to other units:_

_Spencer Reid:_ This unit is a friend to the Derek unit. The Spencer Unit often rants causing him to annoy Derek and he will tease Spencer but they get on fine.

_Aaron Hotchner:_ This unit is a good friend, but he will occasionally annoy Hotch with his one-man-alone complex and be annoyed his lack of faith in him but everything is normal in time.

_Jason Gideon:_ This unit is a figure Derek units respect and admire.

_Elle Greenaway:_ These units are friends but things get kind of tense after Elle gets shot by the Fisher King and kills a unsub. It's ok to leave them in a room alone.

_David Rossi:_ This unit is a friend, and is respected by the Derek unit. Rossi may annoy him but they'll get over it.

_Emily Prentiss:_ These units are friends but the Prentiss unit sometimes profiles Derek unit but there is no hate between them.

_JJ:_ This unit is good friends with your unit. They will grow to depend on each other but everything will be all right.

_Penelope Garcia:_ She is one of the Derek unit's dearest friends and they c are foreach other. Period. No harm in leaving them alone.

_Frequently Asked Questions_

Q: My Derek unit is more withdrawn after coming from Chicago and ate ALL my ice cream. WTH?

A: He just finished business with a Carl Buford unit. Give him some hugs, time and be there moments, and he will be fine.

Q: My units came back and now they are not talking. Penelope is mad and Derek seems a little guilty. What happened?

A: Derek must have put him life on the line when they were in New York. Penelope will be angry for whiles so keep out of her way. He will make it up to her.

Q: Derek is angry with my Rossi unit, which doesn't make for a peaceful dinner. Rossi is annoyed with Derek and they won't tell me why. What happened?

A: A Garcia unit must have been shot by a limited Edition James Colby Baylor/Jason Clark Battle. Rossi was harsh questioning Garcia that angered Derek but they will get over it. Kinda.

Q: My Derek teased my Spencer's Star Trek Convention outfit and he got hurt then left. Now Derek feels guilty and can't find him and when I went off on him, he left to. Is he gone for good along with my Spencer?

A: Morgan has left to bring Spencer home. They will come back when things get settled so just be patient.

_Warranty:_ With proper care, the Derek unit will grow old and eventually die, unless a unsub or accident kills him. However, if you get annoyed with the dark protector, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).


	4. David Rossi: Guide and Owner's Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the owner of a fully automated Rossi unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your professional profiler, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

_Basic Information_ : 

_Name_ : David Rossi 

_Date Of Manufacture:_ Year of 1947 

_Place Of Manufacture:_ C &M, New York 

_Height_ : Around 6'2 

_Weight_ : Unknown 

_Your Rossi unit will come with the following accessories:_

Two suits 

1 loaded gun

Two casual outfits

Two pairs of shoes

FBI badge 

Black Book

When you first open your Rossi unit, he may be watchful and tense. Show him your place and he shall open up.

Cleaning: The Rossi unit is fully capable of cleaning himself and will keep the house clean for you.

_Programming:_

Your Rossi unit is perspective and tough, and can carry out the following functions: 

_Storyteller: Being an author Rossi tells excellent stories and keep people of all ages occupied._

_Profiler: As one of the original profilers he is one of the best and can solve anything._

_Date: He's mature, charming and handsome. You will have no problem convincing him to be your date and you will have a heck of a time._

_Coach: Rossi is a tough cookie and believes in tough love. He won't sugar you and baby you but he will look after you and make sure you got what it takes to survive._

Your Rossi unit comes with four different modes:

_Calm_

_Profiler_

_Annoyed_

_Romeo_

The _calm mode_ is activated whenever Rossi is with other units in a friendly setting like a restaurant, date or nights out on the town. He will laugh, joke and crack a smile more.

_Romeo_ is activated when Rossi is around beautiful women or potential wives, girlfriends and lovers. He will watch, smooth talk, buy jewelry, flirt and date.

The _annoyed mode_ is activated when Morgan, Spencer, Garcia and Prentiss units put them selves in danger, pull pranks on each other, is late or crosses the line.

The _profiler mode_ is activated when Rossi is on a case or something big happens like a mail-box is knocked over or a cat is stolen.

_Reaction to other units:_

_Spencer Reid:_

This unit is a fan to the Rossi Unit and looks up to him. The Spencer Unit often rants which sometimes annoy him but they get on great.

_Derek Morgan:_

This unit is a friend, but he will occasionally annoy Rossi with his big-bad complex and reaction towards god-related things.

_Jason Gideon:_

These units have little to no connect so everything might be all right.

_Elle Greenaway:_

These two have no connect.

_Aaron Hotchner:_

This unit is a friend, and there is mutual respect and admiration. They might jump down each other throats everyone now and then but it's all good.

_Emily Prentiss:_

These units are friends but the Prentiss unit sometimes tries to profile the Rossi unit but there is no harm between them.

_JJ: This unit is good friends with your unit. He will grow to have deep respect for JJ but everything will be all right._

_Penelope Garcia: She is one of the Rossi unit's friends, things get tense after she is shot but things will smooth over._

**Ex-Wives: Things are tense so don't leave them alone.**

_Frequently Asked Questions_

Q: My Rossi unit is tense and keeps looking at the charm bracelet and won't tell me why. What is going on?

A: He must be working on the one case that stayed with him. Give him lots of time and things will settle down.

Q: My unit had a fight with my best friend's Hotch and now there not talking and we are scared to leave them in a room together. How do we fix this?

A: Give them a new case and make them thing children are in dire need and they will get over it. Or have a Morgan step in.

Q: One of Rossi's ex-wives tracked him down and they had a heated conversation and now he left and I can't find him. What can I do?

A: Find a Spencer and he will track him down and bring him back. Just wait patiently and he'll come back home.

Q: I accidently burned up Rossi's black book and now he won't even LOOK at me let alone talk and I can't stand the silence. What do I do?

A: My advice? Present him with a new book wearing victoria secret while begging for forgives on your knees. Or just be a suck up the rest of your live. He might forgive you.

Q: Rossi has been taking me out to dinner and presenting me with gifts and I'm loving it. I know he has a reputation as a Casanova but I can't help being happy. What can I do?

A: Be smart, be safe, and be happy.

Warranty: With proper care, the Rossi unit will grow old and eventually die, unless a unsub or accident kills him. However, if you get annoyed with the mature casanova, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).


	5. Penelope Garcia : Guide and Owner's Manual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tired of all the stuffed animals and don't know what to do? Wonders whats with the computer loving? Read and find out!

Congratulations!

You are now the owner of a fully automated Penelope Garcia. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Technical Analyst, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

_Basic Information:_

_Name: Penelope Garcia_

_Date Of Manufacture:_ Year of 1972

_Place Of Manufacture:_ C&M, California

_Height:_ Around 5'9"

_Weight:_ Unknown

_Your Garcia unit will come with the following accessories_

Two casual outfits

Two pairs of shoes

Multiple stuffed animals

6 computers

FBI badge

Multiple accessories

When you first open your Garcia unit, she may be quiet and withdrawn. Show her your place and she'll come out of her shell. 

Cleaning: The Garcia unit is fully capable of cleaning himself.

_Programming:_

Your Garcia unit is fun and flamboyant, and can carry out the following functions: 

_Researcher:_ From the guy you just met to the history paper on king Tut your unit can find anything for you.

_Comedian:_ As she is a friendly comical being, bring her to a party and she will have people rolling with laugher. 

_Date:_ He's fun, bright and pretty. If you can convince her, you will lighten the party if Ms. Sun shine at your side. 

_Girl Friend:_ Garcia is a great friend and a good listener. So if you need someone's shoulder to cry on, want to hack into secret files or a pal for a Girls-night-on- the town, Garcia is the perfect choice. 

Your Garcia unit comes with six different modes: 

_Oracle_

_Techno_

_Friendly_

_Fun-loving_

_Annoyed_

_Panic_

The _friendly mode_ is a default mode and really can't be deactivated. Garcia is more open in her office, with friends, shopping or in a relaxed environment. 

_Fun loving_ is activated when she is hanging out with other units or people ranging from shopping, walking in the part or playing video games. 

_Techno_ is activated when computers and other forms of technology surround Garcia. She will talk techno a lot and be mainly focused on the computer and will seem right at home. 

_The annoyed mode_ is activated when a Spencer unit feelings is hurt, Derek makes a dumb comment, somebody ramble, a guy bothers her and when people under estimate her. 

The _Oracle mode_ is activated when Garcia is looking for and providing information on somebody or something. 

The _Panic mode_ is activated when one of the BAU members are in extreme danger, or when she is stalked by Jason Battle unit. 

_Reaction to other units:_

_Spencer Reid:_ This unit is a dear friend to the Garcia unit. The Spencer Unit often rants causing him to amuse her and she will tease Spencer but they get on fine. 

_Aaron Hotchner:_ This unit is a good friend, and she amuses him with her funny comeback but everything will be all right leaving these two together. 

_Jason Gideon:_ This unit is a figure Garcia units respect and admire. He rarely gets stern with her except when she places games on the computer allowing people like the Fisher King units to hack the system. 

_Elle Greenaway:_ These units are friends but times get stiff after Elle gets shot by the Fisher King andkills a unsub. No harm in leaving them in a room alone. 

_David Rossi:_ This unit is a friend, and is respected by the Garcia unit. Rossi may get harsh with her after she gets shot but they'll make up later on. 

_Emily Prentiss:_ These units are friends and the Prentiss unit is always there for the Garcia unit but there is no hard feelings between them. 

_JJ:_ This unit is good friends with your unit. They will grow to depend and care for each other but everything will be all right. 

_Derek Morgan:_ She is one of the Garcia's unit's closes friends and they need each other. End of story. Perfectly normal leaving them alone. 

_Frequently Asked Questions_

Q: My Garcia unit is quiet and kinda withdrawn after coming from Alaska and ate ALL my candy bars. What happened? 

A: She just had a man die in her arms over there so she'll be kinda down. Give her time or find a Derek unit to help her out. 

Q: My Hotch and Rossi units won't talk to my Garcia unit and confiscated her computers and I can't figure out why. Can you tell me what is going on? 

A: Garcia must have been caught flagging cases again which is close to breaking the rules. Leave them alone and they will sort it out. 

Q: Major Problem. My ex-boyfriend hate my Garcia unit for some reason and has dropped a unit box at my door. When I opened it was a James Colby Baylor/Jason Clark Battle! Now Garcia is hiding and won't come back and the new unit is searching for her and threating me for her location. Help! 

A: Do you always open random boxes that arrive at your door? You should honestly know BETTER! Now you need to get your self a BAU unit kit or call C &M 911 and they will dispatch a team of units to take care of the problem. 

Q: My Garcia isn't right. She is really skinny, straight black hair, wears normal-borderline-professional clothes, and barely knows how to work a computer. What happened to her

A: You must have accidentally been sent an Elle Greenaway unit instead of a Garcia. Callthe C&M National and they will come get her and bring you the Garcia model you have asked for, shipping and Handling free.

_Warranty:_ With proper care, the Garcia unit will grow old and eventually die, unless an unsub or accident kills her. However, if you get annoyed with the Oracle of all Knowing, you can always send her back to our company for a full refund (within 12 months of purchase).


End file.
